Why Christians should not celebrate Christmas.

     Just kidding! I love Christmas and I think Christians celebrating Christmas should be celebrated! Have a merry, Christ centered, and Christ honoring CHRISTmas and God bless!

P.S. Don't forget to check out the other posts on the blog about Christmas related topics such as the holidiet, gift bags, Christmas songs, and Christmas gifts. Also, if you were thinking of getting me a Christmas gift please give the gift of informing someone who may not know about this blog. It is, after all, the gift that keeps on giving.

The Holidiet

     As I worked diligently through the night I couldn't stop thinking of this holiday season and the unnecessary stress that we put ourselves through when we should be taking time to enjoy it. In addition to worrying about gift buying and giving, cooking, and in-laws staying at your home we tend to also stress over the additional pounds that may be gained as a result of all the stress and eating. I am usually opposed to dieting of any sort, however I have discovered a revolutionary new dieting concept that will help you eat better and feel good about it, all the while enjoying all of your favorite Christmas treats. It's called the holidiet.
     The holidiet is a diet plan that revolves around a few traditional American holidays, and promotes healthy eating all year round. Since Christmas is just a few days away we will go through a typical holidiet year starting now. The first step is to determine how many calories you typically take in on any given day. To keep things simple we will go with a 2000 calorie diet. When the Christmas weekend starts this Friday you need to up your calorie intake to about 2-3 times the norm (again, for the example we will say 4000-6000 calories) every day until Monday. On Tuesday you will resume your normal eating regiment until the next holidiet weekend, which is New Year's Day. So, next weekend you will again up your calorie intake to holidiet level until the end of the extended weekend. This will make your body's metabolism think you are dieting through the week between the 2 holidays, due to the drastic calorie decrease, causing you to lose weight while eating the same things you have always eaten. You follow this model all throughout the year, eating your normal calorie level through the whole year except on specified holidiet holidays, strategically placed to continually fool your body into believing you are on a diet. Then just sit back, enjoy eating like a king (or queen for the ladies), and watch the pounds melt away! This is a 2-fold advantage because, in addition to losing weight while eating whatever you want, it will also alleviate the stress of having to watch what you eat on any major holiday. Here are the holidiet holidays (some holidays are blocked together):

1. Christmas, Christmas Eve, The Eve of Christmas Eve, and 2 days after Christmas (to take care of leftovers).

2. New Years Eve and Day

3. Black History Month (February)

4. St. Patrick's Day

5. Spring Break (7 days minimum at your discretion but can be up to the entire month of May)

6. The Summer (June-August)

7. Halloween and following week (to take care of extra candy)

8. Thanksgiving Weekend

9. Your birthday week (this is a "floating" holidiet week)

     This is a list of the absolute must holidiet days, but the list can be expanded to accommodate your specific needs (for example, our Jewish friends can also include Hanukkah). During the above mentioned holidiet days you must eat a minimum of 2 times the calories you normally would. This can come in the form of simply eating more than normal, eating items with far more calories, or a combination of both. The weight will start to fall off during the rest of year when your "dieting" on your regular calorie intake. I hope this helps with your weight loss goals as well as stress, please tell someone who may be in need. Thanks and God bless!

*Please consult a doctor before beginning any diet. If your doctor advises against the holidiet please ignore the advice and participate anyway. Justin Cunningham and the staff at A Mind On Display are not responsible for any negative side effects caused by participation in the holidiet, however, should be given full and exclusive credit for any and all positive outcomes.

Holiday Gift Bags-America's Disgrace

     When I was a child I would wake up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to find a tree that had several gifts wrapped in traditional wrapping paper beneath it. My sister and I would wait anxiously for my parents to drag themselves out of bed before we could begin the unwrapping process. As we sat there waiting, our minds would wander trying to divulge the contents of each package. We would shake them, weigh them, measure them, and even smell them to try and determine what lie within. As I reflect upon what was I now know that all that anticipation was a part of the joy and wonder of Christmas morning, and it was all made possible because of wrapping paper.
     Sadly, as with almost every other facet of American life, we have adopted a mentality of instant gratification and laziness when it comes to gift giving and receiving and the gift bag is the "poster child" of this. Let's find out what the problem is:

Sending the wrong message:

     When you give someone a gift in a gift bag (as opposed to it being wrapped traditionally) you are basically conveying a message that is as follows: "I had to give you a gift to save face, not because I actually like you, therefore I have put forth as little effort as possible in concealing the identity of the gift. I also want the bag back when you are finished so I can save it for the next person I do not care about. Thank you." Yes, this does sound harsh and is not the message I want to send my friends or family on Christmas. When you hand-wrap a gift in just the right paper that was carefully chosen and pick out a coordinating bow to finish off the decorating you are sending a message that is quite the opposite of the gift bag: "I care about you enough to take extra time, energy, brain power, and financial resources to make this gift worthy of you, the recipient. In fact, I love you."

Bad for the economy:

     It is estimated that gift bags have replaced as much as 73% of wrapped gifts here in America. This has resulted in the wrapping paper industry losing approximately 3 million jobs since the late 90's. While it is true that the gift bag industry has grown, it takes far less man power to make a bag (in addition to bag retention, which is a huge problem) creating only 25,000 in that sector, which obviously creates a huge job deficit in the gifting industry. So not only would replacing all your gift bags with wrapping paper improve your relationships, it could create a job for a loved one.

Instant gratification:

     I would like you to think about your childhood for a moment. Can you relate to the very personal story I shared earlier about mine, with the anticipation on Christmas morning and the magic of having to wait to open my gifts? I believe that experience helped mold and shape me as a man, instilling in me patience and an appreciation of the journey (that is the waiting) and not just the destination (the opening). Now imagine if my parents had been slothful and careless enough to place my gifts in gift bags. My sister and I would have had the temptation to prematurely open our presents before my parents awoke, which would have promoted a very different set of qualities in each of us such as an entitlement mentality and a total lack of patience and appreciation for what we received. I believe this ultimately would have led to our incarceration as well as a socially and morally unproductive lifestyle. This scenario makes me quake with fear for the next generation as the gift bag to wrapping paper ratio continues to get more and more unbalanced at an alarming rate.

Conclusion:

     While I understand some presents are so awkwardly shaped the gifter has no choice but to utilize a gift bag we must recognize that it would behoove us as parents, friends, spouses, and as a society to keep the gift bagging to a minimum. Also, when you receive a gift bag, please remember to discard it as opposed to keeping it and using it for someone else. That is just as distasteful as re-gifting. Thank you for your time and remember, if you are a gift bagger or know someone who is it's not too late to turn things around and make the future a better place. Good day!

Christmas Songs to Avoid, Part 2

    

     Due to an overwhelming outcry from the public I am adding a few Christmas songs to the list of those that your children should not be exposed to. I would like to thank the thousands of fans who wrote in or spoke to me in person about this subject. Here we go:

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer:

     This classic Christmas song tells the story of Rudolph, a social reject who is mocked and ridiculed by his fellow reindeer because of his unusual appearance (namely his red nose). After a lifetime of heartbreak and rejection he is finally accepted by society when he leads Santa's sleigh through a foggy sky and saves Christmas. So what are we teaching our children with this? Well, we are saying that you should discriminate based solely on looks until the individual who is being discriminated against proves they are worthy of acceptance based on action. Yes, that's right, in the story not even Santa himself stands up for Rudolph until he has something he needs. His silence in this matter is his approval of the way the other reindeer treat Rudolph, and that is simply unacceptable. I would also like to point out the fact that it seems highly unlikely there has never been a foggy Christmas eve before Rudolph was born, which calls the validity of the entire story into question.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town:
    
     This song is an old wives tale that is meant to keep children behaving throughout the year in hopes they will make it on Santa's "nice list". I, for one, think Santa would be infuriated at the fact that parents are using his name as a threat against Children ("You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why...Santa Claus is coming to town") Also, as a parent, I want my children to behave because it's the right thing to do, not because they expect a financial reward at the end of the year. Another thing I find disturbing is the fact that Santa "sees you when your sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good". This line makes it seem as if Santa has some sort of God-like omnipresence, which I find to be quite blasphemous.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:

     The name of this tune pretty much sums it up. A child wakes up in the middle of the night to find his childhood hero, none other than Santa Claus himself, kissing his mother underneath the mistletoe. Talk about dragging the name of Santa through the mud. Jolly ole' St. Nick is going around on Christmas eve kissing random married women? It's enough to make one physically ill. Now we know by the rest of the lyrics that this woman is in fact married, and the child even goes on to say he thinks it would be hilarious if his dad would have only seen this event. OK, this twisted child would be amused at his dad seeing his wife kissing another man, having his heart broken, and possibly snapping and brutally murdering Santa. This actually may be more disgusting than the previously mentioned "Baby, it's cold outside".

     Although all three of these songs call into question the nature of Santa Claus, I just want to point out that I am not anti-Santa. I think Santa Claus is great, which is why I (and my fans) found it imperative to bring these character assassination attempts to light and protect the name of Santa. Thank you again to the people who helped with contributions to the entry, you know who you are. And don't forget to tell all your friends!

After Albert Pujols-What the Cardinals must do now.

     As all Cardinal fans know by now Albert Pujols is leaving the Gateway City for somewhere around $3 billion a year to play for the Angels. As depressing as this must be for the Redbird Nation I think this gives the Cardinals a great opportunity to invest the money they would have spent on Pujols' salary on some other things that will all but ensure back-to-back World Series victories (and many more after). Here is my 2-fold plan:

1. Hire Frank Thomas Jr. to replace him

     Frank Thomas Jr. would be a great replacement for Pujols bringing to the team experience and power at the plate for a modest price. While some naysayers will point to the less than stellar ending to his career one must keep in mind that Thomas has had a few years to rest and re coupe from 18 years of playing, and we can expect the same results he brought to the White Sox in the 90's upon his return to baseball. I estimate the Cards could acquire Thomas for the league minimum (assuming he is desperate to return to baseball and misses is so much he would probably play for free if that was legal) freeing up millions of dollars for step 2 of the plan.

2. New training facilities

     When the Cardinals signed Matt Holliday I told a friend of mine I thought the $120 million they spent on him could have been better invested in new training facilities and it turns out I was right. The Cardinals now have the opportunity to correct this mistake by taking the Pujols money (less Frank Thomas' salary) and invest it in additional staff and training facilities. Under my plan each member of the team would have their own brand new fully staffed gym, indoor training facility including infield (full size field for outfielders), batting cages, massage parlor, sauna, day spa, and any other facilities I can't even think of right now or maybe don't even know about. This includes all coaches, office personal, and even bat boys. Yes, all of them would have their own personal staff and training complex. Some would say this is excessive, however, that is what it takes to win these days and all this would still be cheaper than trying to pay Pujols' desired salary. The Cardinals could purchase St. Louis Union Station (which is all but abandoned) and the Edward Jones Dome (also pretty much abandoned) for dirt cheap to house the new training facilities. These locations are both ideal because they are large and fairly close to Busch Stadium. After these buildings are purchased just make a few renovations and you have yourself the training complexes needed for the team. If every member of the squad has the staff and equipment along with individual attention this plan would afford we can be sure they will all perform at an optimum level individually, therefore making the team perform at it's peak.

     Thank you for your time and if you know someone who is depressed about this Albert Pujols situation please direct there attention here for comfort. Thank you and goodnight.


*The staff at A Mind On Display would like to thank Joshua Perry and Wikipedia for their contributions to this story.

Christmas Songs To Avoid

     I love Christmas time and the music that goes along with it, but there are some so-called "Christmas songs" out there that shake me to my core. Songs that no child should ever be subjected to listening to. Below is a list of the very worst of the litter:

We Wish You a Merry Christmas:

     This classic Christmas song starts out in a very nice fashion. "We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year" and "Good tidings to you and your kin" paint a lovely picture of carolers coming to a lonely woman's home to wish her a merry Christmas and a happy new year, as the song would imply. The real horror starts with the second verse when the carolers turn from a heartwarming group trying to spread Christmas cheer into an angry mob demanding a hand-out. The hostility continues and even advances in the third verse when the wording "We won't go until we get some, so bring it out here" implies the mob will savagely murder the home-owners unless their demands are met. I'm not telling you how to raise your kids, but I certainly don't think a song that promotes murder is appropriate for any child and most definitely does not convey the true meaning of Christmas.

Frosty The Snowman:

     This song is about a group of young children who are bored on a snowy winter day so they begin to dabble in witchcraft. As a result of this the children accidentally cast a spell on an "old silk hat they found" and, upon placing it atop a snowman, cause him to come to life. The children spend the next few days running amok through their small town behind their new leader Frosty the Snowman, at one point even refusing to stop at the request of a traffic cop. The story has a chilling ending as the demon-possessed snowman vows to come back again someday as he is melting (presumably to kidnap the children of the town and destroy what remains).
     A few additional points I would like to make about this carol are 1. There is no mention of the childrens' parents for the entire duration of their activities and 2. This song doesn't even mention Christmas, no not one time, so I do not understand how it is even considered a Christmas carol.

The Little Drummer Boy:

     This story in itself isn't bad as in it doesn't encourage black magic or murder, but the problem I have is the fact that it tries to convey the happenings of the little drummer boy as gospel, when the Bible makes no mention of such an event. Therefore we have no alternative but to consider this song total heresy and must keep our children away from it.


Baby It's Cold Outside:

     Even worse than Insane Clown Posse's "I Hate Santa" is the song "Baby It's Cold Outside", taking the trophy for worst Christmas song of all time. This morally bankrupt tale is basically a dialogue between an easily impressionable young lady and a man who is trying to get her intoxicated and have marital relations (although the lyrics make it clear they are not married). In fact the song makes it painfully obvious that she still lives with her parents ("mother will start to worry, father will be placing the floor") while he has his own house calling her age into question. In an act of total desperation the man in the song eventually threatens to kill the young lady and cover it up if she doesn't stay the evening with him ("think of my lifelong sorrow if you got pneumonia and died"). Seems like a pretty sick way to celebrate the birth of the savior of the entire world.

     That is the list of terrible Christmas songs. If your favorite song was on the list don't be discouraged, there are plenty of other Christmas carols that warm the heart and spread the joy of the season. I suggest you burn any vinyl records or cassette tapes of these tunes you may have and replace them with something more wholesome. Thanks as always and don't forget to tell at least three friends!