I was in the midst of peaceful slumber when I had a terrible nightmare. Normally bad dreams don't phase me, but this one was particularly disturbing because it could actually come true. In this particular dream it was Valentine's Day, the absolute worst American holiday...that's it.
Just beating out Earth Day, St. Valentine's Day is the biggest joke of a holiday in the history of known man. Designed by card makers and struggling flower salesmen of the early 19th century as a farce to boost sales toward the end of what was traditionally their fiscal year, this sham of a holiday has evolved to spread misery to every corner of society, from the happily married young couple to the lonely old widow. You may also be interested to know that Valentine's Day was created only after the above mentioned business cooperative's first holiday, Lust Day (which was to take place on January 23rd), failed to take off with the majority of people. This may sound like a rant but there are statistics to prove what may seem like merely one man's opinion. Let's take a look:
Divorce Rate
The number of divorce filings nearly triples on February 15 (traditionally the day after Valentine's Day is observed) when compared to any other day of the year. The reason most commonly given, as you might guess, is irreconcilable differences, but when surveyed by an independent third party most people reveal that the real reason is disappointment in their Valentine's Day gifts or activities. This is usually because one of two reasons: 1. When a young man is trying to win a young woman's affections he often goes "all out" for Valentine's Day. This is a nice gesture, however this often sets the young man up for inevitable failure later on in life because he has set the bar so high that it can never again be reached (with children and other facets of life putting a stranglehold on finances and prep time, a problem the young man never had to consider in the days of his courtship). 2. When women chit-chat with their girlfriends about what their husbands are doing for Valentine's Day they often over-indulge or even blatantly lie about the evening's activities. This is the female version of the "one up" and often results in every woman going home furious because of what the other women are getting for Valentine's Day while they had to lie about it to save face. The Valentine's related divorce rate has become such a problem that beginning February 15 and going until the end of the month most states offer a "Speedy Valentine's Day Related Divorce" in order to prevent the courts from getting too backed up. Many attorneys also offer divorce discounts in late February to try and snatch up the easy business.
Other Statistics
I'm not going to get into more detail about the dangers and moral failures of Valentine's Day due to the family-friendly nature of this blog so here is just some brief statistics that are related (directly or indirectly) to this awful holiday:
-February 15th holds the highest rate for "shotgun wedding" announcements.
-February 15th has simultaneously been the #1 day of Facebook account holders changing their relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship", "in a relationship" to "single", and from either to "it's complicated" every single year since it's inception.
-The highest single day birth rate is...you guessed it...November 14th almost every year.
-72% of all house fires are reported on February 14th.
-The adoption rate of puppies goes up 56% on February 13th while the rate of puppies checked into shelters goes up 54% on February 21st.
-The federal government's fiscal year end was changed from October 31st (so people could get their tax returns by Christmas) to December 31st (so people could get their tax returns after Christmas but before Valentine's Day) in the early 1900's as a result of extensive pushing by greeting card, chocolate, and florist lobbyists.
-53% of all credit card debt is acquired on February 13th, and of that 96% is spent in the flower, chocolate,
and greeting card sectors.
I hope you will all join me in boycotting Valentine's Day beginning this year. Please avoid spending money on anything that contains hearts, pink, love, and especially Cupid. Additionally, do not go out to eat that night, do not book any massages, do not get any hotel rooms (even if you are actually traveling, just sleep in your car or on a park bench), and do not hire a baby sitter. Together we can destroy this ridiculous so-called "holiday" and save this world. Thank you!
Note: Upon my own previewing of this blog post the stat counter showed 666 views. Coincidence? I think not.
